Foster Mamas

Please pardon our appearance while we work on our anonymity.

2011-02-04T21:04:00.000-08:00

I have always taken care on this blog to disguise the identity of our family, both us and more-so our kids, but please bear with me as I revamp it anyway. Due to the recent troubles facing another blogger in our line of parenting, I have created a new system of anonymity for my own blog and am implementing it post-by-post. Therefore, almost all of my posts are currently in draft (those that already contain nothing I wish to change are left up). I will be going through from the beginning and re-posting each one. This has already been a major pain, having done a great deal of editing already, but I refuse to take this blog down. It's too valuable. Foster parents need the support of others who have been in their shoes. Because there are so few of us, and especially in certain places, it can be extremely difficult to connect with other FPs. It is priceless to be able to read about others' experiences, commiserate with them, learn from each other, and have a truly knowledgeable sounding board. It is in the interest of foster children for foster parents to be able to access this kind of support online. So, I'm here. There are just going to have to be some changes. For the sake of explanation, they will be as follows:
*I have always altered certain details that pertain to our kids, but I am enhancing this. The important aspects of the story are still there, but most circumstantial details are falsified.
*I will be using the term BP for any birthparent and refer to them using the gender neutral pronouns ey, eir, em, eirself. I know this is going to be annoying because it's different, but once you get used to it, it's easy. Just take the plural form of "they" and shorten it. BP has issues but ey loves eir child. Other people can try to help em, but these are issues ey will have to work out for eirself. I know. But it's the least annoying of all the gender-neutral pronoun sets I found.
*I will be using the alias "Lynn". I will refer to my wife as "Rae". These are not our names, but each one has certain significance to us, so I will not find it difficult to stick to.
*I have deleted the link to my new blog about our baby, as I will not be able to be as anonymous there. Please email me and briefly explain who you are, if you don't have it and wish to follow along there.
This is only a temporary post, in itself. I will delete it when I am done revising, and include a reference guide to the above alterations in the sidebar so that new readers can understand me (and older ones can remind themselves if they forget!) My apologies, but this revamp is probably going to take a very long time, as I have other priorities going at the moment, but I hope you won't mind a long stroll (crawl) down memory lane as I sift through our history to leave you with what is most important. Thank you again for being out there!

Goodnight, baby.

2010-09-07T17:57:00.000-07:00

I just put Buddha to bed for the last night. After his favorite stories and my favorite lullabyes, he fell asleep in my arms. He hasn't done that in ages, having grown out of it by about 18 months, but I guess he was good and tired tonight. I'm really grateful for that.
On a different note, I want to make a little query. If you are a reader who knows me IRL (in real life), would you please leave a comment? So far, I only know of a fellow foster parent and I know my sister, derangels, used to read- not sure if you still do, sis. If there are others, I'd like to be clued in! Thanks.

When birthday parties are going away parties.

2010-09-02T18:18:00.000-07:00

Buddha has officially celebrated two birthdays in our family. He had a good time with his little friend, loved his cake, enjoyed all his presents and went to bed late. My mother made him a wonderful quilt. I can't believe he's two. I want to see him be three and four and more. We're truly going to miss him. He leaves next week.

Food of Enlightenment

2010-08-16T14:29:00.000-07:00

Buddha's new favorite snack is rice cakes. He is also obsessed with the only video he's ever seen which is a National Geographic-type DVD we have about birds. Every day when he gets home from daycare he runs in the house, asks for a "Gai Gake" and sits down to prepare for his career in Ornithology. Sometimes he insists on wearing his straw bowler hat.
Cutest. Child. Ever.

Happy Ostara!

2010-03-22T22:54:00.000-07:00

Just a quick wish for a blessed spring equinox for everyone. We've got eggs and flowers and butterflies mixed with baby-shower-planning galore over here in fostermamas' house! Still hoping for a little devotional time this week. Happy spring!

The evolving conversation

2008-10-17T16:00:00.000-07:00

We go through an approximation of the following conversation on at least a daily basis, but the punchline was new today:

Prancer: You Kate.
Me: Uh huh.
Prancer: I a boy.
Me: Yep.
Prancer: You a mommy.
Me: Yes, I am.
Prancer: I a foster kid.
Me: Yes, you are.
Prancer: Yaaaay!

Well put, kiddo.

2008-10-12T16:30:00.000-07:00

Prancer: Can I have strawberry wafers?
Me: No. We don't have any.
Prancer: Why?
Me: Why didn't we get any at the store today?
Prancer: Because I didn't listen. `Cause I drive you nuts!

Oh, and he wants Barbie dolls for Christmas.

Ok, ok. I know.

2008-10-09T18:11:00.001-07:00

That was whiney and negative about my boy. And I do have some ideas.
First, things I like about Prancer:
He's warm and affectionnate, loves almost everybody, and is often a little ball of joy.
He cracks jokes and is a total goofball.
He loves us a lot and we love him, too.

Ok, second, since biting is a major problem, I'm going to send him to school with a teething toy (after I get permission from the school- toys are not usually allowed in from home). The question is, should I fashion it such that he can wear it on his person? I could put it on a lanyard and attach that as a necklace or as a sort of wallet-chain. Then he would have easy access when he feels like biting. Or would that be too conspicuous and should I keep it (and a little hitting-pillow) in a box in his cubby for teachers to direct him to?

Not so sure about the hitting pillow. It can't be too big, but if it's too small, he'll hurt his hand. Poor kid- he needs a Damn-It Doll! Speaking of which, so do I. . .

I shouldn't have said that.

2008-10-09T15:10:00.001-07:00

I should just know better than to say anything optimistic. Our lovely weekend was followed by two school incident reports in three days. Prancer's always had an aggressive streak in the time we've known him (almost a year now), but I don't understand how he could become suddenly, markedly worse one day and stay that way. It's going on 4 months. Nothing seems to make a difference. I can't make him stop hitting and biting. It's embarassing and undermines my own confidence and I don't know what else to do about it that we haven't done already, and that makes me feel incompetent. I hate being the parent of the bully.

Make that two nice days.

2008-10-05T17:18:00.000-07:00

As in a whole weekend. After a summer during which I dreaded the weekend for all the struggles it would bring, this is sooo fabulous. Ah....

Prancer: You put bubbles in my bath.
Me: Yes, I did.
Prancer: Dat make me happy.

Tres cool.

2008-09-28T07:52:00.000-07:00

Prancer has been running around the house this morning, calling "cool dude!"
... with his underwear on his head.
I love dorks.

Begging.

2008-09-14T22:13:00.000-07:00

Please oh pleeeeeeease can the media report something about the campaigns that has to do with an ISSUE?! Goddamnit I am so effing sick of this crazy hype that just gives more airtime to ridiculous lies and petty ads! And I don't want to read headlines about the GOP "faulting both campaigns for negative ads" when they are the ones intentionally deceiving the public with their slime and smears and immoral, lowlife, gutter "politics". Holding a stupid press conference about their false disapproval just serves to get them more media attention for the wrong thing and I hate the media for reporting on it and I hate that I'm writing about it right now but I'm just so hopping mad. I want to hear about the candidate's opinions and plans for ending the war, saving the economy, converting to green energy, changing our education law, protecting our elections from fraud, and how my family is going to be able to afford to heat our home this winter, among a host of other real issues. I see the Obama campaign talking about these issues in a very real, honest way every day because I bother to go looking for it. Why isn't our media covering that? I have my thoughts about the reasons for that, but it doesn't stop me from being sick to death of it. My personal Pulitzer to the first major media outlet to stop paying attention to the BS and give the public our desperately-needed fresh air in politics.

How I Clean My House

2008-09-11T17:06:00.001-07:00

How boring, I know, but keeping up with it is harder with kids around and two full-time jobs and on-call shifts and social responsibilities, so I had to come up with a plan. It was never atrocious, but we would get slowly off-track with the dishes and the floors and the clutter and the junk mail and the toys and the laundry and everything else until the house was driving us both nuts and then we'd go on a cleaning frenzy and do it all at once. A stressful and exhausting cycle to go through every 3-4 weeks. So, we've been using a new plan for about two months and now that we're sure we can keep it up, I thought I'd share it.
I call it the "Kitchen Plus One" plan. It goes like this:
Every day we clean the kitchen because it's the room we use the most and also the room that gets the messiest. That means dishes, counters, stove, table and a sweep of the floor.
In addition, we do one other room each day, so that the rest of the house gets rotated through. For lightly used ones, I double it up. So for us it goes Living Room, Dining Room, Office, Kids' Rooms, Guest Room, Master Bedroom and Study, and Bathrooms.
This way we get to every room at least once a week.
One of us does the "Kitchen Plus One" (usually me) and the other (usually Joi) is responsible for rotating the following: Trash Night, Laundry, Garden, Lawn.
We keep it up by writing the schedule up on our dry-erase calender on the fridge and erasing as we go. That way, if we can't get to whichever it is one night, it stays on the calender until it gets done and we have to do it by the end of the week. After about 8 weeks, it's going great! The house is always enjoyable, never drives me nuts, and we never have to go all out for a whole day.
Prancer is growing in all kinds of ways. We were worried about the effects of our vacation we just took (and respite for him), but I think we prepared him really well and he seems to be none the worse for wear. Since getting back yesterday, he's been walking around saying "I like my horse", "I like this couch", "I like my balloons", "I like these stairs", "I like my big boy bed", etc. So, what do you know? He likes it here! And he definitely missed us, which is nice, considering the summer we just went through with him.
Lowlight of the week: after visit with birthparents last week, he went back to respite-provider's house, stood on his chair, looked at her... and peed.
Highlight of the week: has been offering spontaneous "I love you"s about 20 times a day. We love him, too.

Oh, well, I couldn't resist.

2008-08-07T17:26:00.000-07:00

I wasn't going to post anything else about her, but I just heard this song and it was so perfectly appropriate. This is it, I promise!

Daughter of Heaven
by Kate Rusby

Daughter of heaven Oh, daughter of now
Drifting away and don't make a sound
We'll cry when we hear that you ran from this town
She's gone to a new place now
She's gone to a new place now

Daughter of heaven Oh, daughter of now
The stars are your jewels the rubies your crown
We are standing off for your right to stand
She's gone to a new place now
She's gone to a new place now

Daughter of heaven Oh, daughter of now
Your eyes they were closed and your hands they were bound
There's a time in the past when I had to come down
She's gone to a new place now
She's gone to a new place now

Daughter of heaven Oh, daughter of now
Drifting away and don't make a sound
We'll cry when we hear that you ran from this town
She's gone to a new place now
She's gone to a new place now

She's gone to a new place now

Sorry, gotta bail this time.

2008-06-02T18:45:00.000-07:00

It's Blogging for LGBT Families Day again, and since I don't have the time or inspiration, just go on and read some of the dozens of other brilliant bloggers listed over there at Mombian. Happy day, anyway!

Balance Beam

2008-04-30T16:38:00.000-07:00

It's hard to maintain balance with the kids I have and my job and everything else, with stuff like this weighing me down on the other side. Beyond the devastating situation (because I'm sick of writing about it), I'm so disappointed that I had just recently dealt with my grief enough to get my self back, and now I'm having to grieve a new loss of the same person and struggling not to fall back into those patterns- irritability, anger, distancing from the people who are still in my life. But I'm so grateful that I did that emotional work recently because it helps to deal better now. And I have to deal better now- life is still happening. Prancer is having surgery in two days, Ringo is still adjusting to what is for him a grief-ridden experience, my wife is still wonderful and just as stressed-out as me and needs attention. This is why those negative patterns (for me, anger, irritability, distancing) are so handy- they don't heal but they make me functional. If there is a way to not engage in those patterns and still function, I may find the key to staying a foster parent. If not... I'll have to think about how much longer we can do this.

Can't say no.

2008-04-22T16:40:00.000-07:00

We just can't. I don't think we've ever actually said no to a placement. Well, we did say no to a 19-year-old boy, but seeing as our range at the time was 0-3, I don't think it counts. Here's hoping that's not our downfall this time around. We have a new foster son who I will call Ringo (as he very much marches to the beat of his own drum). I don't mind this trait, but he appears to have zero practice with the concept of listening, so we'll see how good we get at that. He's 4, but a young 4 with a speech delay, so I hope there is enough of a developmental difference between him and Prancer to go smoothly. Time will tell...

To heal or not to heal?

2008-04-05T18:06:00.000-07:00

Such a difficult question when you're asking about healing from the loss of a child. Healing feels like a betrayal of her, and I'm still not convinced that it isn't. I want to put it off until I can be sure she will either be back home with us or that she is not endangered, but that game just keeps going on and on. That last visit and the apparent neglect and the aftermath of reporting on it threw me back six months emotionally and I really lost it again when it was all done. It became apparent to me that I really have to do something about this grief thing. Not that I didn't know that already, I was just choosing not to think about how it was making me change into this irritable, rigid, inaccessible meanie. I don't want to be that way, but it's what usually keeps me out of the pit of despair and therefore functional, if not likeable. But, it has to stop. I would like to be the nice person I once was and reopen to being an emotionally available mom and wife. So, I could have sworn somebody once left a comment on this blog suggesting that I read The Grief Recovery Handbook, but I can't seem to find it, so if you did leave such a comment, thanks. I'm reading it now and hoping I can bring myself to answer that question up there.

Rules schmooles

2008-02-19T08:47:00.000-08:00

Child A is standing across the room refusing a diaper change.
Child B shoves Child A in your direction, resulting in her running over to you.

Normally shoving results in time-out at your house, but then again, you did achieve that diaper change. Do you send Child B to time-out? After all, rules were made to be broken, right?

Dilemmas in double parenting. I have huge respect for parents of multiples.

Well, I'm glad you're catching up, but...

2008-01-26T10:17:00.000-08:00

The development and physical therapists were here again yesterday and were happy to report that Prancer is no longer in need of their services, as he has come up to age level or above on most of their categories. Speech, of course, is a whole other matter and that therapist is coming next week, but I will say he's made some progress. He's also doing ok bonding here, as he goes to us for protection from strangers and doesn't show a whole lot for attachment problems. All well and good. The honeymoon's over, though, and I think because he's been catching up in other developmental areas, he's progressing through behavioral stages, too. He's been on some pretty impressive terrible two's (typically right before 2 years- he's 2 and a half) for a little over a week now. Thus the incredible screeching and cribside pole vault at naptime just now (we'll be buying that crib tent today). So, while I'm very happy he's making strides here, I really hope we can zip right through this particular form of catching up!

A day in the life.

2008-01-15T19:12:00.001-08:00

Oh, but the heartstrings!

2008-01-04T08:28:00.000-08:00

Ahhhhh! The mixed feelings! Why is it that despite the internal turmoil, I still get this little leap when we get a call? Why must the little voice that tries to drown out all acknowledgement of my new role in Prancer's life also have to pipe up when we turn down two 18-month-olds and say "aww, but mom!" More evidence of the weird, weird life of a foster mother.

Happy "Chrismahanaramakayulakwanzaa" to all!

2007-12-25T15:03:00.000-08:00

And to all a good night! May you all be infinitely blessed on all of your holidays.

Whew! Still here!

2007-12-11T16:36:00.000-08:00

Remember that pesky outlet from a few posts back? Well, the electric company did come out as I requested, but the guy wouldn't shut my power off because I'm not an electrician. I explained that we can't possibly afford to hire an electrician and that I would likely just have to attempt to screw it back in with the power still going and risk electocuting myself, but to no avail. So that's what I just did and am just happy to say I'm still here. And the damn nightlight will just have to wait for another house.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2007-11-23T06:10:00.000-08:00

I am thankful for:
My wonderful, amazing, devoted wife.
Our big, beautiful house!
My family who I love and who joined us for dinner yesterday.
Having had Sweets in our lives and for each time that we see her now.
The little fellow who is stirring up a ruckus in the playroom right now and who loves pink pajamas.
My job that pays the bills.
My friends who I adore and hope to see more.
Our two nice, working cars.
"A clear, able mind that sees my life going fine."
I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving, with a grateful heart!

Yes, I screamed like a little girl.

2007-11-21T17:22:00.000-08:00

During my first electrical foray, that is. So, our new house has a funny electrical system, to understate it. We have five circuit breakers, eleven fuses on four different fuse boxes, and one remaining line of knob-and-tube wiring that snakes up the right side of the house and appears to be spliced into the first fuse box. So, we have not one, but three types of service in our system. Further, many of our switches are upsidedown, for some reason there are two outlets placed six feet high in one of the bedrooms, and most of our other outlets are placed horizontally on the baseboards (not vertically on the walls).
I need to be able to plug something in vertically in one of the bedrooms (that operates off the knob-and-tube), so I bought an adapter that you can plug in and the other side comes up vertical. Perfect, right? Not. It goes the wrong way, so the thing I am trying to plug in would go upsidedown. And H*me Depot doesn't sell an adapter that goes the other way. Still, this should be very simple, right? Just cut the power to the circuit, unscrew the outlet, flip it around, and screw it back in, on, voila!
No, no, no. At first, I didn't have a tester to tell when the outlet is live or dead, so I just plugged in a lamp and turned it on. Down to the basement to start pulling fuses and tripping breakers to see which one powers that outlet. Up and down, up and down the stairs I went (yes, I have since been uproariously laughed at by my brother-in-law for not just plugging in a loud radio rather than a lamp, but whatever- I got exercize), and the lamp stayed on, on, on. I tried every single one. But I noticed that my first floor stereo cut out on two different fuses, so I thought maybe the outlet was on two different circuits, getting power from both. So I go back to the basement and proceed to pull both main fuses, every minibreaker fuse, trip all five circuit breakers including the big honkin' one with a box all to itself (which I thought was the main, but apparently not), all at the same time. I shut down my entire service panel. And the lamp was. still. on. What the hell is going on?!?!?! I am wondering. That was yesterday.
So today I call my brother-in-law (the same one who was so unjustly laughing at me, considering the very bad advice he was about to dispense), and he has no idea where my outlet is getting power from, but suggests since I'm just turning it around, to just get a pair of needlenose pliers with rubber-coated handles, unscrew the thing, and use the pliers to flip it around anyway. You know, regardless of the voltage still running. Sounds dumb, right? Yes, so I shouldn't have tried it, but he's done his own electrical before, so... what do I know? So I carefully unscrewed the plate and the outlet. No problems so far. Grabbed the outlet with the pliers and started to pull it out just enough to flip it, and spit, spit, spit! Sparks are flying! I'm screaming like a little girl! And smelling fiery smells! Really, it was only a couple of sparks, and there was nothing on fire, and I was totally fine, but still. Holy schiza!
Then of course, I had an outlet poking about a half inch out of its box that I don't dare touch to screw back in. So I went back down to the basement and did the whole shut-off-the-whole-service-panel thing again, just to be sure, and now what? One of my minibreaker fuses is sparking at me! Even though I already pulled its main fuse! WTF?! Where is all this unauthorized power coming from? Oy! I called the electric company to ask them to come disconnect our power altogether since I can't figure out where the current is coming from. But they can't do it until sometime next week.
Now what? I can't just leave it like that! So I check on the outlet about a zillion times to be sure all's quiet, and rush to H*me Depot to buy a plastic thermostat box to screw over the rogue outlet until the power is disconnected, a voltage-sensing screwdriver, and an electrical fire extinguisher. Once home, and before reconnecting any fuses or breakers, I went over the whole house with that screwdriver. And you know what? Apparently half the outlets/switches/fixtures in our house still have power even when I pull every fuse and breaker on the panel. And even if whatever they supply power to shuts off. Holy mother. I don't understand this at all, and am not doing a damn thing until our service is disconnected at the street, but in the meantime I couldn't just leave us with no stove/fridge/other power. So I had to take my life (or more specifically my right hand) in my hands ;), pull on a rubber garden glove, and screw that sparky minibreaker back in, and reconnect the system (not that that apparently means much). So everything's pretty much back to normal, except for that silly-looking plastic box over my outlet. Now that all's quiet again, I'm free to wonder what on the goddess' green earth is wrong with my electric!
Oh, and that thing I needed to plug in? Sweetie's nightlight. You know, in case she comes back. Yes. I know. Nuts. I claim no excuse but love.

Puzzling him out.

2007-11-18T17:20:00.000-08:00

That's what I'm trying to do. Puzzle out his speech, in more ways than one. First, I'm just trying to puzzle out what he means. We spend a lot of time on this because it's not that he doesn't talk- he talks all the time (and I mean all the time;) but most of it is nonsensical to us. We're pretty decent at figuring out toddler speak, too, so I don't think he's actually trying to speak English most of the time. Doesn't stop him from trying to get his point across, though. I feel bad when I can't figure it out- good thing he's such a relatively easygoing guy. The second part is trying to puzzle out exactly what his delay is. He doesn't seem to me to have cognitive delays. I'm sure it's not his hearing because he and I have a little game now where I hum a short tune and he hums it back- I've done this a lot and tried doing it very quietly and he gets it every time- pretty musical, I guess! Ask him to repeat a word though, and it's usually not even an approximation. For example, the last word I tried out on him was "funny". He offered "sha-pus". Not "unny", not "fun", not even "ny". "Sha pus". Which is not to say he doesn't pick up any words or parts of words, but it's pretty slow going. I know the gap between his thoughts and my understanding is frustrating for him sometimes (for example, naptime), so I hope maybe some speech therapy will help.

Oy vey

2007-11-18T10:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, Prance didn't get a proper nap due to our busy schedule- he snoozed in the car for about an hour, but apparently it didn't do any good because he was so cranky by dinnertime that he cried through dinner, bath, and bedtime. He is definitely a nap kid. Now, Sweets totally wasn't- she was absolutely fine with no nap, so I have no experience whatsoever with putting one down in the daytime. So I'm trying to get this little guy to go to sleep right now (thus trying to ignore the crying by blogging- I know, I know, but I'm really not heartless and I don't favor crying it out, but we're at the point this afternoon that nothing's working, so here we are.) This would be a much easier thing if he were my kid who I know backwards and forwards, but we have no idea what he's used to and hardly know his personality at all, so that leaves us with a generic approach to everything. This is how it was with Sweets, too, but we got to know each other over time, and she evolved into our kid and things were pretty darn smooth by the time she left. So we're having an unpleasant shove back into the past with all this. I don't claim to be any better at it the second time around. It's just hard. Complicated with a serious speech delay, the communication is lacking so far! Yeesh.

And now for something (or someone) completely different.

2007-11-17T10:33:00.000-08:00

We were unsure about taking Prancer out to lunch today, but we had to go clothes shopping for him and everybody was hungry by the time we were out of the store, so we went. Now normally, eating out would be a stressful thing with Sweets because she has issues with eating (as you longtime readers of my former food rants well know), so we either wouldn't do it, or Sweets would have to graze off of our plates rather than waste money on a whole other meal that wasn't going to get eaten. This boy? Not so much. Not only did he get a whole meal to himself, but he ate the entire thing- grilled cheese sandwich, apple, yogurt thingy, milk, and grabbed my baguette off my plate and ate a quarter of that- oh yes, he likes eating. He likes eating so much that he does it double-fisted. No worries there, I guess!

So much for the takeover.

2007-11-15T17:15:00.000-08:00

Very cute little fellow he is! Hmm, we played a bit, ate not much, considered using the potty seat but realized we don't have one with the little shield on it and my goodness doesn't that stream point awfully high, had a bath and cried some about not playing with toys at bedtime, cried some more about bedtime itself, read stories for about 15 minutes and cried a bit more, lullabyed after lights-out for about 25 more minutes and finally went to sleep. And that was only 7:40! Pretty darn good for a first night I'd say. It's so hard to fathom how confusing and sad this all is for a toddler, and so impossible to explain, too, so you have to connect on a very universal, viceral level. Connect right away by chasing each other and tossing things and "talking". Try to be funny. Show love even though it feels a little strange because you don't know him. Turn the lights out and bring him back to bed even though you know he's going to cry, but sit there and lullaby because your intuition said to. We never lullabyed with Sweets- our thing was reading, but something said "sing" so I did and it worked. Sing when he's not crying, stop singing when he starts again, start singing again as soon as he takes a breath in between cries- he stops crying and listens, starts to relax. Keep it up even though your head is wondering if it's really helping or hindering, but you hate crying it out and know it's not a good idea for a little guy spending his first night in foster care, and keep going and then he's blessedly asleep. I think it's important to go back to the basics, go back in time if necessary, when they're just starting out. When we had Peeves, we didn't even bother trying to establish a bedtime routine because she was so monumentally difficult and we knew there would be no point struggling over it for a two-day placement- we just drove her around until she went to sleep, but this little guy might be here a while, so in this case starting from day one is good, I think. Got to get some younger books, though. He's just slightly younger than Sweets was when she came- it absolutely floors me that she used to be essentially like him. It makes her seem so grown up. I can barely remember her "baby days". Anyway, here we are again! And I'm calling him Prancer- you should see the way he walks- prance, prance, prance!

Woohoo! Here we go!

2007-11-15T14:15:00.001-08:00

I'm more than a little nervous right now. We're getting a two-year-old boy. I've never had a boy. The only recent experience I have with little boys is my watching my former client's 1 and 3 year old hellions during her court dates and doctors' appointments. And I hated that. I really hope he's not like them. Not that all little boys are alike, but I have to say I felt better about the 8 year old girl. He's not here, yet. I don't know when I'll get to this again, knowing the brain-takeover from last time. Wish us luck! And him. Poor little guy.

Duh!

2007-10-25T14:41:00.000-07:00

Dumbledore. Gay. Of course. I know I'm a couple of days late to this party, but I just had to acknowledge it here because I'm so tickled. Now in the process of watching all the movies again, soon to read the books again, I think. I wonder if J.K. planned it that way...

"I know you'll be calling me soon, and if I don't answer, I'm calling the moon..."

2007-09-10T16:13:00.000-07:00

Thank you for your supportive comments. Between you folks, the world's best listener Jacki, and a wonderful religious retreat this weekend with my witchy friends, this is all so much better than it could otherwise have been. Last Wednesday was otherworldly. What exactly do you do after you give away your baby to an unstable and unpredictable future?
Our recipe for post-placement slump:
Go home and cry as much as you feel like or until you decide you can't keep crying
Go out to dinner and toast your baby
Walk together for a really long time
Spontaneously take a hot tub on the way back or other such self-care activity
Sleep, sleep, sleep

As in the previous post, I've done a lot of well-wishing and meditating and thinking on Sweetie's behalf, but I suppose there is only so much of that intense concentration one can do. Reconnecting with nature was a huge relief, too. The retreat was on Lake Ontario, which I had never seen (it looks like the ocean!!!). I don't think I've really heard a wave crash in almost two years, and the sound, which I first heard in the pitch dark because we arrived late at night, was inherently deepening and healing. The rest of the weekend at that gorgeous lakeside was so comforting and the waves so rythmicly soothing- I will definitely use a nature retreat the next time, too, if I can. Distraction is useful, too. This week I must catch up at work, go to a wedding shower, close on our new house, participate in a fall equinox celebration, attend a wedding, and start moving. Not much time for wallowing. Busy bee inspire me! Thanks again for the support.

And thanks to the moon and the water for taking me in again.
"Calling the Moon" by Dar Williams

"The moon wanted more of my night
I turned off the engine and the headlights
The trees appeared as they'd never been gone
I promised the fields I'd return from now on

And the moon kept on rising
I had no more to say
I put my roadmaps away
And surendered the day

And I know you'll be calling me soon
And if I don't answer, I'm calling the moon
Calling the moon, I was calling her then
I'm wondering, will she take me again
Oh, I'm calling the moon

When I called the moon back to me
I thought she wanted my beauty
I shone in the best that vanity buys
I covered the path where my life turned to lies

And the moon kept on rising
But I felt nothing at all
She comes when the empire falls
And shines on crumbling walls

Calling the moon, by the name that she chose
As Tennessee wandered in moth-eaten robes
Oh, I'm calling the moon
Calling the moon
Oh, I'm calling the moon

Oh, make sense of me, night
I can see so much from this cold height
The moon said, "Oh darkness, my work is done
I've poured this bottle of light from the sun

But their anger keeps on rising
And they don't understand
I've shown them all that I can
That the world is at hand

And I know they'll be calling me soon
And if I don't answer I'm only the moon
I can see by her light
This one's going out to the moon tonight
Oh, I'm calling the moon

Calling the moon, 'cause I know what it's worth
To tug at the seas and illumine the earth
Oh I'm calling the moon
Oh I'm calling the moon"

Bye-bye, baby.

2007-09-05T11:23:00.000-07:00

Here we go

2007-08-30T10:03:00.000-07:00

I've discovered that grief is a sneaky thing. Regardless of all your mixed feelings, and in spite of your being just fine for the longest time, and even if you're totally unaware that it's waiting below the surface, it's perfectly capable of knocking you on your ass at any moment. I don't think there's any experience that quite compares to long-term placement foster parenting. There's nothing quite like counting down the days and hours to the exact time at which you will lose your baby. And she is our baby. You don't parent a kid as amazing as her for a year and not wind up with her being your baby- naysayers can stuff it. I don't know what else to say about it right now. This is only a two day visit. Next week Sweets will be gone permanently. Probably. And isn't that the kicker- the little possibility in the back of your head that she might come back- a voice that is so hard to stomp out. That's it, I guess- I feel sad today.

Am I ever looking forward to the next three weeks.

2007-08-17T14:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday- toy and puzzle piece explosion to rival the baby powder explosion (see WTF post).
Today- pencil all over her dresser.
Tomorrow- Azcaban.

And then they pull one o' these:

2007-08-15T15:05:00.000-07:00

Me: "This movie is a little bit scary, you know. It has a big dog in it."

Our 3-year-old: "It's ok, Mommy. I won't freak out."

The WTF? of parenting

2007-08-15T14:24:00.000-07:00

I think this should be the new name for the "OMG of parenting" group on cafemom. This is just one of those days where I am at a total loss. Sweetie's daycare teacher reported that she went upstairs to use the bathroom, followed by going to the window (where the teacher could see and hear her) and s-c-r-e-a-m-i-n-g her head off for no reason whatsoever and would not stop. So, we spend the ride home talking about how misbehaving at daycare means she gets in trouble at home, too, and she had a little time-out at home for a while to get the point across. So, I go to tell her she can come out and discover that she has gotten a bottle of baby powder from somewhere and poured it all. over. her. room. The stuff was absolutely everywhere. WTF?
I am proud to report that I did not get mad and send her cruising into another time-out. By this point I was so mystified by her that I simply handed her a wet wash cloth to clean it up with and walked out. So, the mess is getting cleaned up without fuss and without my having to do it. But still... wouldn't I love to know what the hell is going on!

Money day-after, day-after, day-after Monday

2007-08-09T19:05:00.000-07:00

Yeah, well, I knew the punctuality thing wasn't going to last this long! So, it's Thursday. Deal.

Drum roll................ the sellers accepted our offer! Woo hoo! Of course, having talked them down to our level, and gotten them to pay 2/3 of the closing costs, they accepted it "as is". Meaning, no negotiation after the inspection. Which is fine, except that the inspection turned up no oil in the tank and we couldn't see if the boiler worked until yesterday, when the oil company put some fuel in the tank. And it didn't work. Um..... crap. Not spending 10 thousand dollars on a new heating system. Panic, anyone?
So, it turns out it didn't work right away because it had been empty for a long time (nobody's lived in this house for quite a while), and when it was flushed properly today, it supposedly worked fine. It being a Smith boiler, of very high quality, we were glad to hear this. Still, our realtor is going over tomorrow morning to be sure it works and after much debate, the sellers have granted us an extension on the inspection date so that we can be sure the boiler works fine before we pay for a termite inspection.
So, assuming that will work out, here's what we'll have to improve ourselves, since we won't have the money to hire pros:
1) Re-wire the remaining knob-and-tube electric (only one line, supplying power to 10 outlets/fixtures, mostly on the first floor and one side of the second- there are three floors overall).
2) Put up gutters and downspouts on the front side of the house and fill in the pit under the front stoop with loam so as to reduce the drainage problem in the basement.
3) Re-install a sump-pump in the basement (there was one at one point, and the pit and tubing is still in place, so this should be relatively easy). Note: the water table in our town is effing hilarious. I didn't quite believe the inspector when he said "punch a hole in your basement floor and you'll be looking at the groundwater", until he found the existing pit for a pump- the groundwater is literally 3 inches below the foundation floor. Oy!
4) Remove crumbling insulation from under the first floor and under a small portion of the eaves.
5) Somehow remodel the third floor bathroom so that one can get into the bathtub without becoming a contortion artist.
6) Remove and redecorate from the various stuff the sellers opted to paint over white (wood paneling, fake plastic tiles, descended ceiling squares, etc.
7) Finish the unfinished enclosed porch.
8) Remodel the back stairway-to-nowhere (used to be a two-family) into a laundry room off the kitchen.
9) Replace the basement stairs.
10) Jack up and reinforce the posts supporting the front stoop.

A few things we'll have no choice but to hire out: replacing the main electric line from the street into the house (frayed), fixing a drip on the boiler-gage, re-inforcing the foundation wall that is currently bowed-in, and blowing-in insulation (currently none).

That all being said, this wasn't too bad in the world of inspections, and our house is still worth what we offered. Now, we'll just see about that pesky bank!

How do they do that?

2007-08-03T09:31:00.000-07:00

First, she's on your hip every day, you're having rocking-chair, bottle, baby schmooze time every evening, and she's scribbling and learning letters with you. Then you blink, and she's showing off her jumping skills, having real conversations with you in near-perfect grammar, and drawing people and "reading" along with you at storytime. Lately it seems like every day brings up something new that makes us say "Hey- when did you become a girl? Not a baby, but a girl?"

"It's the end of the summer, when we send our children to the moon."

2007-07-30T17:15:00.001-07:00

There's a new chart on Sweetie's door now. Usually it's her sticker chart for good listening and using a big girl voice. Now it's a calendar. I sat down with her and marked out the next few weeks, put smiley faces on her visit days and little beds for her overnight visits coming up, and circled the last day in big purple marker. And now we're crossing off the days as we go along. Sweets is acting out like crazy. I'm only sane because I am religiously rereading my favorite parenting book. We're all starting to feel sad, I think. Hmm.

Money Monday

2007-07-30T14:48:00.000-07:00

Still waiting on those sellers... come on.... accept our offer! One point on which we find ourselves royally confused- closing costs. There are the bank's fees. There are the lawyer's fees. We seem to be told differently on whether or not the inspection, termite inspection, homeowner's insurance first year, and deposit are part of the closing costs or not. Our bank says their fees are about 900. The lawyer says the same. But we're supposed to ballpark 4000 for closing costs, so... what's the rest? Anyone?

By George, I think (hope) she's got it!

2007-07-18T14:59:00.000-07:00

"Mommy, I'm hungry."
I've been waiting to hear this phrase for 10 months. She knew when she was hungry and wanted to eat!!! Woo hoo! No saying we won't be back to the same-old, same-old tomorrow, but I'll take it.

Happy Independence Day

2007-07-04T06:04:00.000-07:00

"I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. My sons ought to study mathematics and philosophy, geography, natural history, naval architecture, navigation, commerce, and agriculture, in order to give their children a right to study painting, poetry, music, architecture, statuary, tapestry, and porcelain." John Adams

Money Monday

2007-07-02T17:47:00.001-07:00

I'm thinking about doing a weekly thing on money. Just to inspire myself, and maybe others, to keep finding ways to float our financial boat. I was thinking about it today because we just got our new BJ's membership. The corporation offered a special membership rate recently as a fundraiser to benefit foster children. We got a discounted rate on the membership while a small portion of the cost went to the fundraiser. It had to be done by mail and so it took a few weeks to come in, but we have it and now we get to learn the intracacies of buying in bulk. We're a small family, but it still helps to be able to buy the stuff that will keep in large quantities. And it was great for Sweetie's birthday party stuff. It can be a tad expensive upfront, but I think we are going to save money over the long-term, which is the goal. We also have a neat resource here in our town, which is a discount grocer- they buy damaged or out-of-date goods from local food companies and sell them at low, low prices. I can get a whole cart full of groceries for $50. I can't even get one bag for that at the chi-chi coop downtown, though that membership comes in handy for the best local and organic produce, the area where we are willing to shell out full-price. So, any discount shopping experts out there? What are your food-bill strategies?

2007-06-30T09:20:00.000-07:00

Sweets drops her sippy cup on the floor at breakfast.

"Mommy. That's a big dump!"

Both moms roll.

Stupid rat race. Hmph.

2007-06-26T13:42:00.000-07:00

This is just a pity party, feel free to skip it.
Oh how futile I feel as I watch our hard-earned savings go down the drain of a car accident and a monumental dental bill. Sure, we're finally getting a settlement on the car that was totaled, but we're still going to have to top that with at least another couple grand in order to buy anything remotely reliable. And how, I ask you, does a dentist get away with charging over 800 dollars for 4 measly fillings? My crap dental insurance isn't even paying half, so I'm handing over about 1/3 of my salary this month to pay it- I should have been a dentist, eh? And topping the list of financial suckitude, because federal interest rates have gone up again, we now qualify for 15,000 less than we did last month in the mortgage market. Which pretty much means, no house. The hermit's life is looking pretty good compared to this rat race.

"And baby you're so smart, you know you could have been a schoolbook"

2007-06-23T18:42:00.000-07:00

And she's off! Yesterday- poo in the pot, today- learning to take a wee in the woods. Sometimes unfortunate circumstances make for a great classroom!

Please oh please oh please oh please...

2007-06-09T19:14:00.000-07:00

Can you see my fingers crossed? We just put Sweets to bed in a toddler bed for the first time. I am so praying for a smooth transition. Back to listening intently for perfect silence...

Baby Nirvana

2007-05-30T07:11:00.000-07:00

Sweets, standing up on her chair and pointing skyward:
"I see da light! I see da light!"

Happy Birthday to me!

2007-04-18T12:00:00.000-07:00

Here I am after a quarter century on planet Earth, and (as paraphrased from Practical Magic) all I have to show for it is one beautiful little girl and a wife I just can't. stop. kissing. And some new digs from J.Jill. Woo hoo! Not half bad so far, if I do say so myself!

God help me

2007-04-05T16:55:00.000-07:00

This day has been one big tantrum from start to finish. Seriously. I'm having a big, fat anxiety attack here. She's driving me crazy. Please tell me tomorrow will bring out the angel I know is in there somewhere.

The flip side

2007-04-02T10:11:00.000-07:00

In previous posts and in conversations I've talked about the flip side of foster care that I experience at work. Given that my clientele are all poor people with big problems, I get birthparents of foster kids as clients all the time. I like to think I'm a decent advocate for them- it's very broadening to see an abusive or more often, neglectful, parent as a real person with strengths as well as weaknesses and a story of their own to tell. And it's a very fine line, advocating for them without contributing to a reunification when the parents aren't ready, while I'm trying to help them get ready. For most of these clients, having their kids removed from their care was both the worst and the best thing that could possibly have happened to them. They break down over it, as any loving parent would. But they also get a chance they probably never would have gotten, to put things in perspective (e.g. how is this addiction really serving you? or what is this abusive boyfriend really doing for your life?) and change their circumstances for the better. Getting their kids back is the ultimate motivator for improving things that may have plagued their lives (and their kids' lives) forever.
Of course, this can go both ways. My favorite case ever was a mom who overcame drug addiction, other mental health problems, and 5 years of homelessness, to get herself into real recovery, into a 3-bedroom apartment, and very good long-term residential programming for single moms in recovery, and hearing from her after all that when she had been reunited with her 2 young children was probably my favorite moment in my job. She worked hard.
But others seem simply unable to find the internal wherewithal- they can be the nicest person in the world and the saddest case at the same time because I can see how much they want to succeed but can't get them to do what needs to be done, sometimes even the simplest of things. I'm thinking about this now because I just had a miserable meeting at public assistance with such a client this morning- there was just so little I could do that was anything more than talk, and in the face of all the bad things he's done as a result of drug abuse, it just wasn't enough. This time, I can't say I disagree- I found out this morning he showed up high for a visit with his daughter last month- after a long recovery, it's really sad, but there's not much I can say on his behalf this time around, and it's already been way too long for this little girl to be without a family of her own- much longer than is usually allowed, because DSS was trying to give him a second chance. I've stuck myself out on a limb for clients with a past before, even lied through my teeth because I knew it would give a family their one chance at a good life, but this one's not going to cut it and so I feel sad. That's all.

Happy Equinox!

2007-03-21T19:55:00.000-07:00

May all your hopes grow with the light and all your fears fade away with the dark. Welcome to Spring! Happy Ostara!

Damn stars.

2007-03-14T20:18:00.000-07:00

My horoscope from Freewill this week: "Here you come dragging your exhausted but redeemed ass out of the deep dark forest of symbols. The red-eyed monkey demons fall off your back as you straggle toward the light. Your sunken eyes see wonders they were blind to before your ordeal. Your heart rages with a wild angelic love you've never tapped into before. And as you realize the magnitude of your tough miracle, you feel glimmers of gratitude for the rude tests you had to endure. Maybe you should get totally lost in limbo more often."

P.S. Just a friendly greeting to all you math enthusiasts and universal contemplators- Happy Pi Day!

Foiled at last... the continued nutrition saga.

2007-01-27T13:11:00.000-08:00

Well, Sweets has officially beaten food tactic #2. Actually she figured it out two or three weeks ago, but I haven't gotten around to blogging much. Apologies to those for whom my kid's eating habits are wrenchingly boring- we're obsessed. After the "no pressure" meathod failed miserably for our first several weeks, we went to the old-fashioned method of not leaving the table until Sweets had eaten what was required. She didn't like it much, of course, and meals were often lengthy, but food was going in! Weight was gained! After a couple of successful months, she started this fun habit of putting food in her mouth and refusing to chew or swallow it for so long that she would choke on it. Having dealt with pukey episodes a few times in a row, we knew we'd been beaten. So, we had to back off again, and of course she immediately stopped eating at all, but after a few days of that she started to improve again. For all the struggle it was, though, I'm glad we went through the progression as we did, because I think having a proper diet for several weeks not only helped her to gain a substantial amount of weight, but may also have "reminded" her body what it needs and helped to jump-start her growth. Now that her body is growing again, I think it's requiring more calories and so she's hungrier and eats more on her own than when she arrived. I also think it was good because now when she tries to skip a meal, we can tell her she is required to eat something and she knows we mean business, so there's more compromise involved. Altogether, we seem to be on the right track- hopefully at our check-up in a few weeks the doctor will say she's grown enough to have beaten her Failure-to-Thrive. Grow girl!

Pig Pile

2007-01-21T17:40:00.000-08:00

of illnesses, that is. In the last 10 days, I have managed to contract a sore throat, sinuses stuffed like a bag of cotton candy, a horrific cough that has not allowed me to sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time in 5 days, pink eye, and lo and behold, today I developed bronchitis. It even hurts to burp, people. As this is one of our favorite pastimes, this is very upsetting. Bah. Humbug. I feel bad that I don't feel up to horsing around with Sweets, but then I feel not so bad because she is after all "the vector" according to the doc. Little rascal.

2 more pounds!

2007-01-19T16:04:00.000-08:00

Yahoo! At Sweetie's checkup she'd gained 2 pounds since her last visit in early December- that's just a month and a half. This makes 26 pounds, up from 22 in just shy of 4 months. Happy.

Moments

2007-01-12T07:42:00.001-08:00

Yesterday
Me: Trying to make dinner fun, I swim 2 "goldfish" through the air toward each other for a "kiss" before eating them.
Sweetie: "Awwww, cute." If I didn't know toddlers are developmentally incapable of it, I would have thought there was a note of sarcasm in her voice.

This morning
Sweetie: Running out of her bedroom toward me babbling, almost fully dressed, looking very much like a Who.
Me: "Where are your socks? You forgot your socks!"
Sweetie: *Sigh* of the annoyed variety, complete with head thrown back and shoulders slumped, turns around and goes back to get said socks.

Huge

2006-12-28T17:15:00.000-08:00

The Saturday before last, 8 AM, while just waking up:

Sweetie arriving by bed, leaning in and poking my face: "What that?"
Me: "Well, that's a big zit."
Sweetie, thinking for a moment, then: "No big. Huge. Huge zit." Poke, poke.
Me: "Thank you, Sweetie. It's always nice to know the truth."

*Sorry for the hiatus. Internet problem followed by holidays. Back in full force, I hope!*

Ugh

2006-12-11T09:00:00.000-08:00

Sick- very sick. The works- sore throat, runny nose, stuffy nose, sinus congestion, watery eyes, aches and pains, sneezing that makes me a hazard on the road, etc. Off to veg with the L*rd of the R*ings and a burrito and strong tea and vitamin C and homeopathics and A*rborne. Yuck.

Mommy penance

2006-11-07T17:52:00.000-08:00

I really wish somebody would assign me some "Hail Mary"s or something because I feel like the most rotten, bad, mean Mommy today. Sweetie had her big doctor's appointment this morning, where they gave her 3 immunization shots and took blood. I don't know why they must do that all at once. My poor baby! They got her in both legs and one arm. The arm was for the bloodwork, which was the worst part because the needle had to stay in her vein for a looong time- maybe it just seemed like forever to me because I had to hold her while she screamed and sobbed, but gosh. I walked out crying right along with her and I'm still kind of teary when I think about it- it was awful! To make it all worse, they couldn't get enough blood out of her and we have to go back next week. I don't know if I can even bring myself to do it again, but I guess I'm going to have to suck it up and be a mean Mommy once more. I officially declare this the worst part of parenting.

Sometimes

2006-10-26T05:35:00.000-07:00

it just takes some inspiration to do this every day. I like this one:
"A mother is like a mountain spring that nourishes the tree at the root. But one who mothers another's child is like a water that rises into a cloud and goes a long distance to nourish a lone tree in the desert." Talmud

My favorite foster care song

2006-10-18T20:34:00.000-07:00

Betcha didn't know there are songs about foster care, hmn? Actually, I don't think that's the subject of "Comfort" by Deb Talan, but I looove this song. And the whole album, actually- "A Bird Flies Out" is probably the only CD I can listen to over and over and over and not get sick of it.
"When everyone has gone to sleep
and you are wide awake,
there's no one left to tell your troubles to.
Just an hour ago
you were listening to their voices,
lilting like a river over underground,
and the light from downstairs
came up soft like daybreak,
dimly as the heartache of a lonely child.
If you can't remember a better time
you can have mine,
little one.
In days to come,
when your heart feels undone,
may you always find an open hand.
Take comfort wherever you can,
you can,
you can.
And oh, it's a strange place.
And oh, everyone with a different face.
But, just like you thought when you stopped here to linger,
we're only as separate as your little fingers.
So, cry. Why not? We all do.
And turn to one you love.
And smile a smile that lights up all the room.
Follow your dreams in through every out door,
it seem that's what we're here for.
And when you can't remember a better time,
you can have mine,
little one.
In days to come,
when your heart feels undone,
may you always find an open hand.
Take comfort.
There is comfort.
Take comfort wherever you can,
you can,
you can."

Daycare Dropout

2006-10-05T06:56:00.000-07:00

Yep, that's us- the proud foster parents of the little Sweetie who got expelled from her daycare on her second day! It bodes well for us, no? Ah well, I think it was just the provider- you can't really run a daycare without being able to handle some terrible twos, now can you? I guess the provider hasn't been doing this (daycare) all that long, and couldn't handle Sweetie's need to be redirected and shown who's boss, and apparently had a bit of a panic attack. Wha?? Come on now- you can't panic because of having to confront a two-year-old. You are the adult here. Anyway, she asked us to find another provider and suggested her cousin one street over. This one has been doing daycare for 8 years and has a much larger outdoor yard, which should be better for Sweetie's energy level, and I explained thoroughly how we handle Sweetie's behavior (which is getting very, very good at home, by the way- she had a great day yesterday), so hopefully this one will be able to hack it. Although, I'm not sure I love it- Sweetie is the only girl in the program (out of 7 children) and this morning the boys, especially the older ones, were quite loud and intimidating for her. And inside toys were limited, so I don't know. I would really like Sweetie to be in a daycare with more than one teacher, and while she'd make a very cute tomboy, I don't want her to turn into a little hellion. And in the winter, when they have to stay inside more, she's really going to need lots of indoor toys and activities. I'm still trying to get CPS to give her their contracted slot at the local childcare center (as opposed to home childcare), where they have multiple teachers and kids of all ages, and where it's more like a pre-school setting. CPS would prefer we use a voucher and compete for regular slots instead, as the contracted slots are supposed to be for family stabilization, but I really want Sweetie to get into that program, so we'll see how much they want to budge.

Dear goddess, I think I might be getting a grip.

2006-10-03T05:58:00.000-07:00

A thought keeps recurring to me each day: the only event that could possibly feel akin to this one- accepting a 2-year-old into your life as a first time parent- is getting hit by a bus. Last night, Rae and I started a yoga session together after Sweetie was asleep, and we had to bust up laughing at the first sitting pose- we groaned simultaneously from the sore quads. My goodness, we hurt in so many places now. Sore legs, sore arms, sore back, sore feet. Yeesh. But, I think we have a plan for this little ball of personality. We just got our first information about the circumstances of the reason that placed her and her siblings in care, and it's not good. Imagine how impossible it would be to understand any kind of normal routine if you're a toddler who's spent her life in a car. Combine that lack of routine experiences (meals, baths, bedtime, rules, etc.) with a toddler's sense of the world ("no!"), and combine that with a bright, vocal, and persistent personality, and you've got a little girl who's having a hard time fitting into life. She cannot fit her puzzle piece into the puzzle unless her piece has limits in the right shape. So, we've made ourselves a plan with a daily schedule, and our own set of rules and consequences, and are trying to implement it on the basis of very firm limits combined with tons of love. She might not like it all that much, but at least she's learning (hopefully), and we feel better having more of a plan, as it helps us to be more patient and feel more in control. And the sweetness makes it all worthwhile- of course, I never want her to be upset, but it was nice to be wanted today as she had to leave me for day care.
My Dad also appears to be smitten. When he and my Mom came over to meet Sweetie the other day, we tried to introduce him with his name, but she proclaimed him "Daddy!" anyway. And yesterday he showed up grinning, with two new toys for her (which she loved- I think we need to have him do the toy shopping now), and was disappointed to realize she was still at day care, but said he might come by again later to see her. He also brought a frame for my diploma from last year. My reward, I guess. Ha. Anyway, I called him up later to get his information for CPS so that he can babysit (with Mom, I'm sure) if he wants to. Ah, the joys of spoiling grandchildren! I hope he won't be heartbroken if/when she goes home to her parents- I know I will be- but so far it looks like that won't be happening anytime soon, if at all. The next court date is coming up, and given that they're still living in their vehicle and that they both seem pretty noncommittal, we're pretty sure the judge will continue the case for several months. The biggest trouble with this part of the system is that if the judge sides with the offending parents, which they sometimes do, the decision is usually immediate with little or no transition for the kids (or their foster parents). While we're pretty sure this will not be happening at this court date, it's still a part of the system that doesn't serve the interests of the kids and that stinks.

Self-help 101

2006-09-30T17:38:00.000-07:00

Ways in which parenting is making me a better person so far: severe limiting of my Sims addiction, I will be motivated to go to church tomorrow morning, I now get up at 7 am and go to bed earlier, I actually do the dishes after every meal in order to keep up, going to the laundromat today was actually fun for me because I got a break, and who needs the gym when you have a two year old? Ways in which this is driving me crazy: the whine. It all comes down to the whine. I'm trying really hard to not let us become slaves to the whine, but I'm not at all sure we're winning this battle. There's a whine for everything, usually for a thing that is being used as a guise for not doing something else- like eating and bathing and sleeping. The eating is happening on a small scale, but not enough, especially not at mealtime. Bathing is happenning, but with lots of "no" before being plopped in the tub. Sleeping seems to be the biggest battle of all. Sleep is for wimps. Patience for a bedtime story is only found after closing the book and putting her in the crib with no story, followed by lots of whining and screaming and negotiating for every portable thing in her room to be placed in the crib with her, followed by compromise of a story out of the crib but required to stay in the lap of the storyteller with no fuss, else being returned to crib. Gah!!! We're trying to be consistent, but I can't say I really know what to be consistent about. What counts to a two-year-old as motivation to eat and bathe and especially sleep? I do believe it's going to be a while before we figure this thing out.

What have we gotten ourselves into?

2006-09-29T17:40:00.000-07:00

She's smart as a whip, cute as a button, totally lovable, and she's definitely two. I picked her up from her previous foster home, worried that she'd be crying all the way home, but there was nary a tear as she helped us put her things in the car and waved goodbye, and she slept all the way home. Which I am mildly regretting now. Tired is good at bedtime. Not tired is not so good. I'm not feeling like such a hot shot at this mom thing on my first night. She barely ate her dinner. Although she ate all the salad off of Rae's plate. Small victories. One big victory, though- she peed on the potty for the first time today! At our house! Woo-hoo! A bath and then bed. Or not bed, as Rae is struggling with now. Ha. I just heard her say to Sweetie, "you are very opinionated." I'd help, but I think it's better if there aren't two of us in the room. Oy. She's a love, though. I can already tell it will be very hard to let her go.

Diving right in.

2006-09-27T20:25:00.000-07:00

We are Lynn and Rae, a pair of newlyweds in New England, and today I'm starting this new blog in anticipation of our first foster care placement. We just received our license a few days ago, and will be welcoming our first foster child into our home in just a few more days. During our training, I heard the jokes about getting the call the day you are licensed as a foster parent, but CPS actually asked us to take this little girl two weeks before! We're excited to have this toddler enter our lives and to begin this crazy thing called foster parenting, though we're both still trepedacious. And both still in the midst of our own lives. Rae has just started a new job and is almost halfway to her independent social work license. I'm about to apply for my own license in the field and am thinking about law school. And we're both obsessive real-estate-droolers. Which I suppose is fitting enough, as we are shortly going to become official drool-cleaner-uppers. Holy cow.